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February 24th, 2008

04:28 pm - So yeah

Erik l'ange,

I'm so sick of being 17.  Because I'm 17 people think I don't know anything.  Yesterday Em and me went to this "woman's night out" thing and we stopped at a Gypsy store.  She read my palm and told me that I'm going to change the world, I'm insecure, I'm not going to have a career in the arts, and I'm going to get my heart broken a few times and I will meet who I'm going to marry my 2nd year of college.  Obviously, I was not too happy about this.  I've never been with anyone before who has made me so happy...Garry's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.  I can't imagine anyone better for me than him.  But I'm not allowed to say that because I'm only 17 and I know nothing.  I'm sick of feeling like my age is a handicap in my life.  We went to Steve's house after it and Steve kept telling me that 80% of high school sweethearts are a mistake and the chances that Garry and I would last are slim.  He told me that even meeting the one I'm going to marry in my 2nd year of college is too early.  I hate society today.  You MUST be focused on schooling and getting a good career that pays well before you can even think about having a serious relationship with anyone.  The thing is schooling now a days is like...5-10 years of schooling.  I don't wanna be 30 when I get married.  I don't wanna be older than 26 when I'm married.  Relationships mean the world to me and I have always been obsessed and fascinated with romance, friendships, relationships, and human nature.  I know I don't know myself fully yet and I'm just getting to figure out who I am but what if Garry helps me to figure that out?  What if because of him I'm talking more, I'm laughing more, and I'm opening up more to myself and other people?  Just because I'm 17 doesn't mean I don't know anything.  I know what love is.  It's not butterflies in your stomach and true love at first sight.  There's no prince charming and no damsel in distress.  There's not peaceful happiness all the time.  Being in a relationship takes work...it takes sacrificing your time, energy, and creativity to make your significant other feel special and loved.  It's talking to them...telling them everything that's in your heart and knowing they can do the same for you, even if it makes each other mad.  It's respecting each other's values, beliefs, desires, likes, and dislikes...yet knowing you can have your own without fear of them getting upset with you.  It's being there for each other when something terrible or exciting has happened.  It's letting each other have a shoulder to cry on and holding them when they feel like the world is falling down around them.  It's sharing inside jokes, laughter, and fun times.  It's always being there for them, no matter what, and loving them no matter how bad they mess up.  That's only a fraction of what being in a relationship takes and what being in love is.  I know this and guess what?  I'm 17.

Luckily I sit here and I think of Missy and Amanda.  I think of Missy telling me of how she met her husband at 17 and how they got married when she was almost 21.  Now they both have lovely jobs, a nice home, a beautiful dog, they are very comfortable, and she is pregnant with her first child.  Amanda has been with Ari for 3 years now and I'm confident they will last...because they are willing and absolutely happy to put the time and energy and love into their relationship.  It's not a matter of "compatability" or how "similar" or "different" you are...it's how much you have bonded and care for that person.  It's stopping and asking yourself, "in 20 years would I still want to be with this person?  Honestly?"  It's being honest, true, and open.  I don't know...my relationship with Garry has made me SO much more honest and open.  I'm not such a mystery anymore, if someone asks me how I am, I tell them.  If someone asks me what's wrong, I tell them.  I don't just say, "I'm tired".  I can talk on the phone with Garry for hours and hours, laughing for most of them.  I know Garry and I are not like the rest of the world.

I'm just frusterated is all.  Mom's not confident in us either, but to be perfectly honest, I don't care what mom says anymore.  She doesn't know me and I'm so tired of her assuming she does.  I'm sick of her assuming she knows what's best for me.  I know what's best for me.  I know what I like, what I dislike, what I want.  If I make a mistake than fine, it's my mistake.  I made it, I will suffer.  If my likes, beliefs, or desires change than let them change.  But right now I know what I want and what I don't want...I know what will make me feel alive and happy and what makes me feel dead and depressed.  Mom doesn't know this...she doesn't know my heart.  Nobody does but me.  So whatever.  People can tell me I'm just infatuated, that I'm just stupid and naive, that I don't know anything and I don't know what I'm talking about.  I don't care.  They don't know me and if people don't want to stop and listen to me, than fine.

Okay, I guess I'm done ranting.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

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