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February 19th, 2008

03:10 pm - *falls over*

Erik l'ange,

We went back to school today, finally, but we had a 2 hour delay.  I didn't mind it, to be honest.  I was up until midnight last night trying to get most of this paper done that I needed to have done by today and I was chatting...and roleplaying with my sweetheart (bless the dear for trying to cheer me up).  I'm extraordinarily sleepy though...I don't really have a reason for it.  I still think there's something wrong with me physically...

I want to appologize for my entry yesterday.  I was just in a terrible mood as I have been off and on for the last few days.  It felt like I was PMSing but I know that can't be it...so I'm 98% sure it has almost everything to do with the lack of schooling.  It all makes me fear the summer, to be perfectly honest.  If I can get the guts and save the money I wanna ask mom if I can go to California for a little bit (like a week or less) and look at colleges and spend time with Garry.  I know the longer I wait to ask the harder it will be for me to ask...but I am terrified to ask.  Anyways, I fear the summer...if this amount of schooling in this last month or so has put me on such an emotional roller coaster I can only imagine how terrible I'll be come this summer.

I lucked out on my English paper today.  She just went around and we showed her what we had done...I wasn't behind and I wasn't ahead, I was comfortably in the middle.  Then the school counselor (OMG I spelled it right finally) talked to us about colleges.  I don't know why, but I sat in that class nearly crying as she was talking to us.  I thought about mom and how I feel like I really don't have a choice in where to go to college.  I want to be with Garry but I feel like if I go to California I will be making a big mistake.  I don't care what mom says though, I am NOT her.  I'm tired of her desperately trying to look for things that makes us alike.  She's convinced I will only be happy if I go to a Mennonite College in Ohio, study whatever for 10 years, and get married at 30.  That sounds like a miserable life to me.  I want to go to a college and study in the arts, whether it be music, dancing, or photography.  I want to go to California...it's a nice, big state with cities, forests, mountains, and things to do and see.  I want to stay with Garry and keep my energy and time in my relationship with him and watch it blossom into something beautiful and eventually marry him (and much earlier than 30...but nothing crazy young).  That sounds like a wonderful life to me.  Yet I still feel trapped in my decisions.  I didn't realize how manipulative mom is...I really didn't.  She makes me go to church for the "community", she's pushing me to go to a Mennonite University, she told me I can tell Em or Steve about my beliefs...but they go to my church.  No der.  I can talk to THEM about it, THEY'LL try to get me to believe what mom wants me to.  *sigh*  As much as I am absolutely terrified to go out into the world without my mom there to support me, the idea sounds refreshing and amazing.  I should probably write to dad and tell him how I feel...

Meh, on a lighter and much less important note, Gwen and Helix got married last night.  It was a very strange day...very strange.  They basically did a LOT of talking...within an hour of confessing their love for one another, Helix returned to the heavens and made their wedding official so they wouldn't have to wait around to bump into a priest.  That's basically what it was like...I enjoyed it though.

I keep feeling like I have to be at musical practice.  I feel like due to the snow days and what not he would have made everyone be there for the blocking but on the schedule it only said that people who were in 9, 10, and 11 had to be there...and I'm not in any of them.  I checked the announcements too and there wasn't anything about it there.  So...I have the house to myself.  Grandma left today after being here for about a month...Emily gets discharged from the hospital today (which is why she left).  I love my grandma, I really do, but I'm kinda happy she went back home.  She's not familiar with our routine and she cannot hear crap...neither can mom.  I also like the feeling of independence I get without having an adult looking over me every second of every day.  I'm really getting tired of it...I know I'm only 17, but I am old enough to think for myself, despite what mom or grandma think.  They're all so incredibly negative.  That's one thing I get sick of...is people being negative and complaining all the time and then when I do it they say I'm being "emo" and I need to stop complaining.  People (including myself) are such hypocrites.

We voted on the place and theme of prom today.  I was amazed at how little teens think for themselves today.  Basically pages were ripped out of these prom books of themes...there were SO many beautiful ones...Italian, French, Night, Paris, even a Phantom one...but almost everyone voted for the Casino/Las Vegas theme.  Most didn't know what they were even voting for...each paper had a number on it.  People wrote down 6 (the Casino one) just because they were told to.  I personally think there should have been a prom committee established and let just THOSE people vote on the theme, place, time, ect.  I know there are Juniors who wrote some random thing down, wrote down whatever, and didn't care cause they're not going anyways.  I know no matter what I am going to enjoy myself simply because I will have the most amazing guy there with me...yet it would be nice if we actually had a prom that was beautiful and not....flashy.  I don't know what it's officially going to be, yet.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

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