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February 8th, 2008

02:52 pm - Randomness

Erik l'ange,

I'm very ready to graduate high school, which is a shame because I'm ready for all the wrong reasons.  I don't feel ready to jump out of the nest and fly yet because the idea of it terrifies me but I just want to jump because I hate the nest so much.  My heart wants me to go out to California for school...the idea of going to school in San Diego is amazing to me and not just because it's about an hour away from Garry.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather die than go to a college far away from him (which, I know, is also a stupid thing)...I need to be close to him after I'm done here.  Having him, even if it's for a year when I first begin will make a world of a difference to me.  But while my heart says this my mom's telling me it's a bad idea, I shouldn't go far away, I won't have her (which is just her saying she doesn't want me to leave), and we all know going to a school because your significant other is there isn't the best way to pick a school.  I know this...I don't want to go to THE school Garry does...I want to find a nice school that is right for me close by him so on weekends or free time I can go up and see him or he can come see me.  I'm just not used to the idea of thinking for myself...not having mom there to tell me what's right or wrong, up or down, left or right (and trust me, I cannot tell left from right easily).  The idea of it is so incredibly refreshing I can't even explain it to you.  Yet it also makes me scared...when I'm 18 everyone will expect things out of me...things I am most defiantly NOT confident enough to do.  I know I'll get through it all and be happy in the end...I'm a determined little bugger like that.  Even so, right now I'm horribly conflicted.

I don't think Clarissa is very happy with me.  I don't really know what I did either...the other day she called me (Sunday) and asked if she could come over in a way and I, in a way, said no.  I was online, I was tired, I wasn't feeling too great and I just wanted to relax.  But after that she hasn't said 2 words to me.  She came down to the cafeteria for lunch but asked Andrea something, didn't say a single word to me, and left.  When we walk by each other in the halls she doesn't say anything to me.  The other week Clarissa, Robin, and Tracy went to Cicis and to see Juno but nobody asked me to go.  I don't think any of them like me really.  I think Clarissa thinks I'm a nice person but she just doesn't have the time or energy to be my friend...that and we never see each other.  She's either at school, working, or with Robin.  Robin hates me...I can tell.  She annoys me unlike anyone else has before.  When I "talk" to her (which is basically me trying to start a conversation and having her just stare at me, do something else and not reply, or reply with a nod) she makes me hate myself.  She makes me annoyed with myself...her expressions say it all and I hate it.  Not to mention her myspace annoys me greatly.  But whatever...she never really was my friend.  She's just my "friend" because Clarissa supposedly is.  Tracy...I NEVER see her...never anymore.  But I don't need friends here.  I've stopped complaining about this place because I know in a year I'm out of here and I'm not going to come back (to live anyways).  Nobody seems to get that.

In Advanced Comp (one of the best classes in the universe) we wrote "I Am" poems and read them to the class.  In mine I wrote something like, "I want to leave this place and live again".  The teacher (who is supposed to be mean, tough, and scary but is really nice and funny) wrote me a comment (we all write each other nice comments on paper and pass them to the person once we're done so it wasn't unusual or anything) saying something like, "you really want to leave, I hope you leave a part of yourself here"....something like that.  I don't know why, but the comment stood out to me...made me happy, yet sad at the same time.  I'm TRYING to leave a part of myself behind but it's a part that nobody wants...and I'm not giving up anything else.  I wanted to leave my voice behind...be known for my gift.  But I can assure you that is not going to happen...my voice is going to die away just like the music department.

I'm waiting for mom to get home so we can go over to the church to work on the bulletins.  I then have to swing by the scrap booking shop right beside the church to get some supplies for a project we're doing in AP History.  I don't really want to...but I have to and I'm kinda excited to go in there.  However, I DO NOT want to spend any of my money on anything.  I only have $195 or so and who knows how much Garry's flight is going to cost.  Probably more than I'm suspecting.  He owes his mom $500 for the surgery on his can Xoa...I don't know when she expect it since he can't seem to find a job to get money to pay it off.  Even so, the chances of him finding a job and making enough money to pay that off and for a flight over here are VERY, VERY slim.  Therefore, I want to save up my own money to pay for it...I need him over here for prom and my last show choir concert.  This is what I've always dreamed of and I don't feel fully alive unless I am with Garry.  It's always been this way...he just makes me feel so alive.  I need him here...I need that big push to get me through the school year.  I'm counting on this and because of this I can get through each day without being utterly depressed.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,


05:37 pm - It Will Work

Erik l'ange,

On the way home from the church mom and I were talking about Garry coming over here for prom.  Mom told me that the earlier you get tickets the cheaper they tend to be.  She said we can look at all sorts of air ports around to see which one's cheaper and I can just wear the dress I wore to homecoming.  It's pretty and elegant.  So now I just have to talk to Garry about dates that will work and report them back to mom, get the okay, look online for tickets, save up the pony and we'll be good.  I know mom knows how much this all means to me, yet I don't know if she understands the magnitude of how much it really does.  Nobody in the world has made me happier than Garry...Warren was a jerk...a two faced, horny, stuck up, snobby, sheltered, crappy jerk of a boyfriend.  Gregg didn't want to put the energy into the relationship...all he cares about is getting some (which luckily wasn't from me).  He has a new girlfriend now (and trust me I could care less...I only pity that girl).  It's the girl who was all over him when we were together and God knows what the two of them did when we were still together.  But Garry told me she got mad at him because he took 20 minutes to reply to a question she asked.  Sound familiar?  He's just a crappy boyfriend...not as crappy as Warren though.  But Garry actually does things for me...every single day he tells me how beautiful, smart, and amazing I am.  He tells me that if he were to collect all the stars in the universe they would not amount to the love he has for me.  He tells me I'm the reason he's in culinary arts school and making something of himself.  He makes me feel like I matter in the world...like he's the only ear listening to my voice and that's all I need.  He just gives me this sense of life I have never known before...it's as if I've just been a body and mind wandering around in the world until I got together with him...and then I finally had a soul.  Don't get me wrong, he is not perfect...we argue sometimes and disagree on issues, but we always make up, we always open up to one another, but most of all we agree to disagree witch is so incredibly mature and healthy...I can't believe I would say that ever.  But it feels good. 

I have some pictures I was going to post here but mom came and I had to go.  So I suppose I'll post them now.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

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