02:52 pm - Randomness
I'm very ready to graduate high school, which is a shame because I'm ready for all the wrong reasons. I don't feel ready to jump out of the nest and fly yet because the idea of it terrifies me but I just want to jump because I hate the nest so much. My heart wants me to go out to California for school...the idea of going to school in San Diego is amazing to me and not just because it's about an hour away from Garry. Don't get me wrong, I would rather die than go to a college far away from him (which, I know, is also a stupid thing)...I need to be close to him after I'm done here. Having him, even if it's for a year when I first begin will make a world of a difference to me. But while my heart says this my mom's telling me it's a bad idea, I shouldn't go far away, I won't have her (which is just her saying she doesn't want me to leave), and we all know going to a school because your significant other is there isn't the best way to pick a school. I know this...I don't want to go to THE school Garry does...I want to find a nice school that is right for me close by him so on weekends or free time I can go up and see him or he can come see me. I'm just not used to the idea of thinking for myself...not having mom there to tell me what's right or wrong, up or down, left or right (and trust me, I cannot tell left from right easily). The idea of it is so incredibly refreshing I can't even explain it to you. Yet it also makes me scared...when I'm 18 everyone will expect things out of me...things I am most defiantly NOT confident enough to do. I know I'll get through it all and be happy in the end...I'm a determined little bugger like that. Even so, right now I'm horribly conflicted.
I don't think Clarissa is very happy with me. I don't really know what I did either...the other day she called me (Sunday) and asked if she could come over in a way and I, in a way, said no. I was online, I was tired, I wasn't feeling too great and I just wanted to relax. But after that she hasn't said 2 words to me. She came down to the cafeteria for lunch but asked Andrea something, didn't say a single word to me, and left. When we walk by each other in the halls she doesn't say anything to me. The other week Clarissa, Robin, and Tracy went to Cicis and to see Juno but nobody asked me to go. I don't think any of them like me really. I think Clarissa thinks I'm a nice person but she just doesn't have the time or energy to be my friend...that and we never see each other. She's either at school, working, or with Robin. Robin hates me...I can tell. She annoys me unlike anyone else has before. When I "talk" to her (which is basically me trying to start a conversation and having her just stare at me, do something else and not reply, or reply with a nod) she makes me hate myself. She makes me annoyed with myself...her expressions say it all and I hate it. Not to mention her myspace annoys me greatly. But whatever...she never really was my friend. She's just my "friend" because Clarissa supposedly is. Tracy...I NEVER see her...never anymore. But I don't need friends here. I've stopped complaining about this place because I know in a year I'm out of here and I'm not going to come back (to live anyways). Nobody seems to get that.
In Advanced Comp (one of the best classes in the universe) we wrote "I Am" poems and read them to the class. In mine I wrote something like, "I want to leave this place and live again". The teacher (who is supposed to be mean, tough, and scary but is really nice and funny) wrote me a comment (we all write each other nice comments on paper and pass them to the person once we're done so it wasn't unusual or anything) saying something like, "you really want to leave, I hope you leave a part of yourself here"....something like that. I don't know why, but the comment stood out to me...made me happy, yet sad at the same time. I'm TRYING to leave a part of myself behind but it's a part that nobody wants...and I'm not giving up anything else. I wanted to leave my voice behind...be known for my gift. But I can assure you that is not going to happen...my voice is going to die away just like the music department.
I'm waiting for mom to get home so we can go over to the church to work on the bulletins. I then have to swing by the scrap booking shop right beside the church to get some supplies for a project we're doing in AP History. I don't really want to...but I have to and I'm kinda excited to go in there. However, I DO NOT want to spend any of my money on anything. I only have $195 or so and who knows how much Garry's flight is going to cost. Probably more than I'm suspecting. He owes his mom $500 for the surgery on his can Xoa...I don't know when she expect it since he can't seem to find a job to get money to pay it off. Even so, the chances of him finding a job and making enough money to pay that off and for a flight over here are VERY, VERY slim. Therefore, I want to save up my own money to pay for it...I need him over here for prom and my last show choir concert. This is what I've always dreamed of and I don't feel fully alive unless I am with Garry. It's always been this way...he just makes me feel so alive. I need him here...I need that big push to get me through the school year. I'm counting on this and because of this I can get through each day without being utterly depressed.
Until next time, I bid you goodbye,