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January 21st, 2008

05:07 pm - My Birthday?

Erik l'ange,

Okay, so this isn't going to be as happy or cheerful as my entries have been lately...it won't be a horribly depressing one either.  I'm just kinda...blah.  You know, sad but not utterly depressed.  Clarissa and Tracy came over at 2:30 and picked me up but when we were in the car they talked amongst themselves and I sat silently in the back listening to whatever music they wanted to listen to.  We got to the restaurant and Robin met us there...there's something about her that just makes me hate everything about myself and my life lol.  So they talked amongst themselves there too about stuff and people they knew about in which I was clueless.  I talked some but not much.  Only Tracy got me something and it was body wash.  But Clarissa paid for my meal which was nice...to not have to worry about paying for anything, that was her gift.  So the ride back was pretty much just like going there.  I kinda wandered if it was even my birthday sometimes.  It was nice, yes, and I appreciated it...but I just didn't feel celebrated.  I kinda felt like they did it cause they felt they had to.  But maybe that's just me.

I'm also kinda sad because I miss Garry.  I mean, I'm talking to him now but he has so much homework and it kinda hit me with a sad realization that this week's going to be pretty much terrible.  I have musical practice from 3-6 every day this week save for Friday.  Garry probably has school all week and if he doesn't he has a ton of homework that takes up his time.  I have 4 days of school work to make up and catch up on *sighs heavily* and I'm still not 100% recovered.  I'm still dead tired, I get periodic headaches, and for the last few days my intestines act up.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through the week.  It'll be like walking blindfold with a cane through the forest without anyone there to guide me.

I'm probably sadder than I feel now.  I just kinda want people to celebrate my exsistance and let me know I'm loved.  I suppose I should learn to assume that people love me because most won't come out and tell me.  Garry does...daily.  Everyone else...not so much.

I came to the realization today that I need to stop being so hopeful of life.  It's just a teenage thing...to dream, hope, and be excited about the future...expect great and amazing things from it.  Once I get out of college and get a job all that hope's going to go down the drain.  I look around at all the miserable adults in my life and on TV and I can't help but wonder if that's just how my life is going to be...whether I like it or not.  All of them were hopeful teenagers once, just like me.  I need to face it...I'm destined to be like my mom.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,


PS.  I could really use some advice now...
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