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September 17th, 2006

11:21 am - People like Sam and people like me

Erik l'ange,

I'm pretty ticked off right now.  There's a around here named Sam and my mom likes her...she's the perfect kid.  She's the one I envy most and who makes me angry the most...she's not a mess up like me.  She's mom's dream daughter...she's good in school, religion, music, but overall she's heard.  She gave the sermon today but I didn't listen.  It doesn't bother me that she had her 15 minutes of fame, we all need that...and it doesn't bother me how she spoke what she thinks and feels...that doesn't bother me...what bothers me is how no matter what she says she's heard.  I'm not...I'm ignored and shoved into the shadows.  I'm DYING to be heard!!  The awful truth is no matter how hard I try nobody's going to listen...I update this and people get mad at me for it...it's all okay if I just put, "well today I did this and this and this"...but not how I truly feel...so this is out of the question.  I can't speak how I feel and even when the courage bubbles up and I open my mouth nobody listens to me...nobody replies.  It's like that stupid "if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around to hear it, does it still make a sound?" question!  I open up my mouth and voice my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, my opinions...but nobody's around to hear it...so did I really make a sound?  No...what I feel and think are unimportant in this world, so you know what I did?  I shoved myself behind everyone...I shoved myself into the shadows and now people are cornering me in and not letting me out even though I'm dying for a taste of that light!  After the service my sunday school class decided to go in and listen to Sam talk about her sermon so I asked mom if I could walk home and she said, "well it'd be nice if you'd support Sam"...she did what she ALWAYS does!  She did what everyone else does...she took advantage of me!  She KNOWS how easily I can feel bad and feel guilty so she played that trick into making me stay...but I didn't stay...I stomped right on home!  I gave fake smiles to people and polite, "Hello"s and "good morning"s who I passed by before stomping back home some more.  It's not fair!  Why are there people like Sam and people like me?  What did I do to deserve the shadows?  What is it about me that nobody wants to hear?  I don't understand it...and yet when it all comes down to it, it's probably all my fault anyways.  Everything is...life's probably perfectly fine but my mind twists it around to be against me...it's so frusterating!!  I want to scream and burst out in tears...It's not fair!!  It's not fair....

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn
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