August 24th, 2006

me default

Before School

Erik l'ange,

Here I sit at 6:40 am writing to you before I'm off to school.  I have more readers than I thought previously so hopefully this'll motivate me to update more :D  (and sorry about all the pics...I like pictures more than words I'm afraid lol)

I made a collage of me last night cause I was bored but there's also a picture of Heather, Dean, and Gregg thrown in there too :) I'm lucky I found them three pics of them lol anyways, most of it's me...with both long and short hair!  Enjoy:

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I have 3 study halls in school lol and in my last one Tracey was there and we couldn't talk because the teacher wouldn't let us because "we had homework to do" uh...duh.  It's the first day of school and we're 10th graders, not college students...anyways, so we passed notes (haven't done that since the 5th grade) and they were amusing so I'll type them in here later today if someone reminds me to....remind me!  lol

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

me default

Stressed in School

Erik l'ange,

I'm so stressed and I feel so unorganized and scared that I had to really hold back tears when talking to mom in the car on the way here.  I'm not a strong person when it comes to rules, punishments, ect.  I'm probably one of the weakest people alive when those things come into play...I'm scared of school because, for one, I'm scared I'll break a rule ANY rule at all and then I'll get punished...okay nobody can understand how upset I get when I am punished even to the SLIGHTEST degree...everyone's all, "oh it's cool, it's nothing big...detentions are's how we live life, nobody's perfect" yadda yadda yadda...I'm not like them...when I'm punished I want to start sobbing...I don't know why!!  But I can't suddenly change that's one small thing that's stressing me out.  Next I will list all my classes and tell you my opinion of them from being in them 2 days (which feels like 5 weeks to be honest)

1st period-Geometry: Okay...the teacher is Mr. Scott...I was told he's a really smart guy who just can't understand why people don't get what he gets and assumes we all just understand.  Today he began teaching and I had him last year for computers but he didn't really...teach...he just told us what to do and he's nice and everything but his's a mess.  His notes on the board were so unoragined...his handwriting was hard to read to even copy down and the way he explained everything went STRAIGHT over my head...not to say he's a bad teacher but for me made no sense.  It feels like a big mess floating around in my head.  Not to mention I've struggled with math all my life (except for last year...Mrs. Yoder was awesome) AND it's the first class in the morning, beginning at 7:30 brain doesn't work at that hour!

2nd period-Spanish: Okay, spanish was fun at one time but I'm so sick of doing spanish stories.  That's her way of through stories.  I'm so tired of these stories...I want to do creative things...omg no way I want to be creative!  You'll see that's apparently not allowed anymore (at least not in my school).  Anyways, she's a sweet teacher and all but spanish is just so boring to me now simply because I have drowned in these stories!

3rd period-Show Choir: Okay, Mr. Kelsey is one of my favorite teachers...he's doing SO much and getting so little in return.  Show Choir makes me feel makes me feel like I'm not just your ordinary musician...and yet I'm put in a class with people who are, also, good in music so at the same time I feel like I'm not the best singer in the world anymore and I don't get the praise I got last year and I feel like I'm now the lowest one on the scale when it comes to music.  Show choir is fun, espically cause I don't feel left out then...if we're given a free day I can bet you this Alex kid would come and talk to me...he sat by me yesterday and talked to me and he's cool and all...but still...I feeling low...and that class makes me feel both low and high at the exact same time...

4th period-Study Hall: Boring.  That's all I have to say...boring...Maybe if we're assigned more homework in spanish or Geometry or something then it won't be so boring but is....

5th period-History (or American World Studies II): Here comes, yet another, teacher who's teaching method is unoraginzed...he seriously talks about 5 different subjects in one sitting...I don't know where to follow or what to do or anything...none of it makes any sense to me what-so-ever...I don't know what's important and what's not I don't know how he can go from one thing to another so mind doesn't work like that and I'm so scared (like with all the other classes) that I won't follow and I'll get so lost and left behind just because of how he's a mess!  More mess!  I can't handle more mess!!!

6A-Study hall: More boringness
6B-Lunch: Probaby the best period I and people that actually talk to me...

7th period-English: No creativity.  At all.  No writing either...nope.  This first thing we have to write about a novel we're reading and it can't be over a page long if we can help it....I can't do that!  I want to write my heart out!!  I want to be graded for being creative!  This loss of creativity isn't the worst thing...I and cannot read!  NOBODY GETS IT!  I can't sit down and read a book and get it!  I'm a visual person..I can't picture things in my mind through words and, AGAIN, it's a mess in my mind!  I'm SO TIRED of all the mess!!  To make things worse, he's going to make us stand up infront of the class and read a page from the book!!  That is the WORST thing a teacher can do to me...I get way too nervous on reading the thing that while I'm waiting for my turn I pay no attention to what's being said because I'm too busy focusing on what I have to read and then when it comes to my turn I read the thing, word for word and pay no attention to what I'm could sit me down after it and ask me what the page was about and I could honestly say I have no idea.  I want to love english again...

8th period-Study Hall/Lab: Study Hall is boring as they all are...and lab is just biology...two periods of it.  Today we had "lab" and biology...again with the teacher...he's not very organized...we have a test tomorrow and I have a very blurry image of what the test is going to be like...we learned things today that will be on this test tomorrow that I have to study...his teaching isn't clear to me...and I it!  I'm so tired of all this mess in my mind and having nothing make sense or be right and no matter what I do I can't stop things from feeling unorganized and it's maddening...I want to cry right now, so badly...I can't explain it...I want things to make sense...I want to feel safe and welcomed in school and not have to worry so much or be so stressed...these stupid agenda things don't help either because we have like 5 lines to write our assignments down in and it doesn't make me feel oragnized or like anything's right...I need space, I need time...I need less pressure!!

Of course, this is mainly all my fault I feel this way....I'm too much of a coward to stick my stupid hand up in the air and ask a simple question...I've always been like that!  I don't know why, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what to do about it or how I'm going to learn like this...I miss my old teachers so much...I miss them because they were fun and were well oragnized and would sacrafice arm and leg to help us understand...things just felt better with them and I really didn't know it until today but I also had a nice relationship with them and I feel like I lost a bunch of good friends...of course they don't miss me and wouldn't ever count me as a friend because they didn't coach me or talk to me alot or anything...maybe Mrs. Trachsel...she was my favorite and I'll have her next year for english but it'd be nice to just talk to her or something after school...she's the closest teacher I can call a teachers remember me or care about what happens to me after class...and yet I feel so attached to them...last year more than any year of my life...I enjoyed school last year...alot!  Now this year....I'm beginning to it...I simply want to learn.

I'm sorry this was so long...I'm not feeling much better after saying it but maybe some feedback will help...thanks for the time I suppose

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

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    stressed stressed, lost, unorganized