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[(¯`·._.·[Katinator]·._.·´¯)]

And we couldn't say it on TV if it wasn't true!

3/6/08 10:24 pm - Important!

Important!

I'm creating a new LJ...I WON'T delete this one...there's no way I could do that.  There's far too much history here.  I just...want to start over with something fresh and new.  I know it's kind of an awkward time in my life to start something new since I'm at the end of something old and still have a little while before the new kicks in, but it just feels...right.  It will be a friend's only LJ, so if you'd like to read it just comment on it or request to be my friend or whatever :).  Other than these reasons I really have none for creating my new LJ.

The account name is katinator44

3/6/08 03:27 pm - Strange

Erik l'ange,

Have you ever seen pictures of someone you didn't know doing something and it effected you in some strange way...making you think it'd be fun?  Well...I'm a part of a wonderful long distance relationship community and kendalish posted pictures of her recent wedding with her husband now.  I don't know why...but they are beautiful and it really makes me want to have a wedding like hers.  I picked some pictures and will post them here so you can see how small and beautiful it was...and why this is now my "dream wedding" (I know I have a long, long time to figure this out lol but a girl can dream!)

3/6/08 02:51 pm - Today!

Erik l'ange,

Today was better than yesterday but I'm still feeling really...upset with myself.  I keep letting what Gregg and Kyrihe say about me get to me...which is stupid.  I'm changing way more than they can imagine or even know (since I haven't talked to either of them in months) but they're convinced I'm still the same 14 year old, little kid they once knew.  I'm not.  But they keep complaining about my complaining.  Like yesterday I was on the phone with Garry and apparently Gregg was all, "With most girls you can say, 'I'll call you back in a few minutes' and then if you call them before the day ends they're okay.  That's not with Kat.  With her you HAVE to call back within a few minutes".  No duh.  If you're going to take hours to return a phone call you say, "I'll talk to you later"  If you tell a girl you'll call her back in a few minutes she's going to sit by the phone and wait for you to call.  Am I right?  Or is it really just me?  God.  Kyrihe and Gregg are so immature!  I know I am too.  I used to be so confident in myself but then it's like lightning hit me over the head and I realized I'm nowhere near as good, smart, talented, or mature as I give myself credit for.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm terrible at everything I do.  I've come to this realization and the thing is I was happier being confident in the things I was terrible at and pretending I was so awesome.  I don't know why my confidence went down the toilet...

I have musical practice at 5 today and then we don't get out until 8.  I hate it when practice is that late...but I do as I'm told and go with it.  I enjoy practice too...despite the fact because of it I have bruises all over my poor knees.  Sound familiar?

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

Today is day 56!!

3/5/08 11:36 pm - 2 Hour Delay

Erik l'ange,

So today wasn't the best day ever...but the evening turned out alright.  After talking with Garry on the phone it sorta helped me...kept me from getting too depressed, however, I'm still going through a strange burst of low self confidence.  I miss the days when my shoulders were burdenless.

I'm really too tired to do much of anything right now...I just wanted to make a post to let everyone know I'm alive and have issues currently...but I'm probably just PMSing or something.  That and I wanted to show off my awesome new icon *dances* I can hear Garry's voice in my head when I see it!  He always does his voice and he does it SO well...Garry's my Kronk (only smarter!) *cuddles*

My locker bit me today so now I have a lovely gash on the side of my pinky.  Those lockers need to be outlawed.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

PS. We have a 2 hour delay tomorrow morning and then we don't have school on Friday. Yay...I think.

3/3/08 09:38 pm - Music Meme

Knowing me, this will be easy. -who it's by/where it's from, along with the title

Step 1: Put your iTunes on equivalent or random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 45 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.



2/28/08 02:46 pm - Summer

Erik l'ange,

I feel kinda bad...poor Summer.  You know I have mentioned her a few times in this LJ.  She looks up to me so much...she's convinced we're the best of friends.  Her "mom" (which is her grandma but her grandma has custody of her so she calls her "mom") shelters her and her twin sister, Star, SO much.  I'll admit, I'm a very sheltered person too.  I want to change that...I'm tired of living in this bubble.  But I won't continue on that subject...I'm talking about Summer now.  So, Summer adores me...she thinks I adore her as well.  I think she has so much potential and she's headed in the right direction but I'll be honest, she's annoying.  She likes thing done for her, when she wants, and how she wants.  Like she wants to walk home with me (or half way since she lives by our church) but I don't walk home much anymore...no duh, it's winter.  It's been snowing for the last 2 weeks and it's been a high of about 30.  Today after school she looked at me and told me I HAD to walk home from school tomorrow.  I'm not going to unless mom can't take me home...that's how it works.  She wanted me to run to the AD office with her yesterday to ask the vice principal a question but musical practice was going to start in about 2-5 minutes.  I refused to go with her so I wouldn't be late...someone else went with her but she wouldn't stop bothering me about it.  She didn't really even ask, she just said, "you're going!"  But this is freshman nature and it's healthy.  I'm sure when I was a freshman (I would appreciate little comment on this lol) I was just as selfish and annoying.  I talk to her and laugh at things that aren't funny but she finds funny so she knows she has someone to she can go to if she would need me.  That's what I'm here for.  I know that's what people typically say friends are...but I would do that for an "enemy".  Friends are so much more than that, I'm finding.  I'm not too worried about it though...I know she's going to grow and change far more than she can comprehend right now...and I'm going to be going away in a year and a half and despite her, "you have to give me your phone number when you graduate so we can keep in touch" I know I'm going to be far too busy to really talk much with her.  It's a part of life she'll realize soon enough.  Sad thing is, I keep trying to think of excuses into not spending time with her.  Like Saturday we have dance practice and she wants me to go eat with her at her house like the last time.  I found out I have voice lessons at 4:30 that day (okay...so we'll get out MUCH earlier than that no doubt) but I wanna tell her I can't cause I have voice lessons.  With my luck she'd know exactly when it was and talk me out of it. *sigh* I just feel so bad...I feel like a hypocrite.  I smile, laugh, and listen to her but my heart's screaming, "my God she's annoying!"  It's just...something new for me, is all.  I mean...being annoyed with someone isn't, but being annoyed with someone in person is.

Speaking of annoying...I'm just gunna vent here, is all.  Tina.  Seriously.  She's far more annoying than Summer...far, far more annoying.  (This is the one who is online)  She talks to me on myspace every so often...lately she wrote to me (I deleted all the messages so this is from memory) and the first thing she told me was she and Phil broke up.  Now...the last time I talked to her she was with a guy named Zack who she was "going to marry" so I didn't know who this Phil character was.  Turns out they broke up cause he didn't like her talking to other guys...then she told me she likes some other guy but he doesn't know it.  Then the next day she writes to me and tells me some dude stole her phone and wouldn't give it back to her until she made out with him.  THEN the next day I got another message saying she got back together with Phil and it was "cool".  She makes me want to bash my head into a wall.

But the world is full of different people...people who I agree with and get along with and people who annoy me and frusterate me.  That's how life is and I wouldn't want to change it for anything.  Trust me, the world would be one messed up place if everyone was like me.  I'd hate it too.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

PS.  I'm starting a count down until may 1st!
Today is day 62!

2/27/08 06:52 pm - Home Alone!

Erik l'ange,

I get the house to myself for awhile tonight *dances* Emily's with April and mom took Justin to the mall to get a bunch of stuff.  I had some lovely soup and the rest of some of THE best cheese spread in the universe.  Much better than fast food or mall food...yeah it tastes good sometimes but I prefer a nice home cooked, flavorful meal.  I'm finding I'm in love with food more and more.  Growing up is awesome...I get to eat grown up food now and I'm loving it!  (I know that sounds stupid but when you're younger you stick to mac & cheese, hot dogs, and fries...now I eat chicken with garlic, rosemary, and grilled with a side of amish potatoes sprinkled with pepper and then the side of broccoli.  yummm)

We didn't have a snow day today like I was expecting...and it's a good thing that Garry told me not to risk it and made me go to bed at 11 rather than stay up until 4 am talking to him like I wanted.  He's lovely like that...only interested in what's best for me even if I act like a kid and don't like it.  We did have a 2 hour delay though, so I got a nice hunk of sleep last night.  I didn't really have any particular dream...I drempt Missy had a VERY small baby...a premature one but it was alive and it was a girl.  But I don't remember specifics...I never do.

I'm so excited!  People are actually reading and commenting this AND I joined two wonderful communities and didn't get scared to post, reply, or ANYTHING.  The people are wonderful and I thank the two from two different communities who commented on my last entry.  I thank EVERYONE who commented on my last entry...it meant the world to me.  I'm drowned in "it'll never work!" "you don't know what you're doing!" "Don't expect life after high school to be as nice as you think it to be" *insert another negative comment here* I really needed to hear some optimism and care.  *big hug for all!* Thank you again SO much :)

I shall now conclude this entry.

The Phaaaaaaaantom of the opera is THERE...inside your MIND!

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

2/24/08 04:28 pm - So yeah

Erik l'ange,

I'm so sick of being 17.  Because I'm 17 people think I don't know anything.  Yesterday Em and me went to this "woman's night out" thing and we stopped at a Gypsy store.  She read my palm and told me that I'm going to change the world, I'm insecure, I'm not going to have a career in the arts, and I'm going to get my heart broken a few times and I will meet who I'm going to marry my 2nd year of college.  Obviously, I was not too happy about this.  I've never been with anyone before who has made me so happy...Garry's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.  I can't imagine anyone better for me than him.  But I'm not allowed to say that because I'm only 17 and I know nothing.  I'm sick of feeling like my age is a handicap in my life.  We went to Steve's house after it and Steve kept telling me that 80% of high school sweethearts are a mistake and the chances that Garry and I would last are slim.  He told me that even meeting the one I'm going to marry in my 2nd year of college is too early.  I hate society today.  You MUST be focused on schooling and getting a good career that pays well before you can even think about having a serious relationship with anyone.  The thing is schooling now a days is like...5-10 years of schooling.  I don't wanna be 30 when I get married.  I don't wanna be older than 26 when I'm married.  Relationships mean the world to me and I have always been obsessed and fascinated with romance, friendships, relationships, and human nature.  I know I don't know myself fully yet and I'm just getting to figure out who I am but what if Garry helps me to figure that out?  What if because of him I'm talking more, I'm laughing more, and I'm opening up more to myself and other people?  Just because I'm 17 doesn't mean I don't know anything.  I know what love is.  It's not butterflies in your stomach and true love at first sight.  There's no prince charming and no damsel in distress.  There's not peaceful happiness all the time.  Being in a relationship takes work...it takes sacrificing your time, energy, and creativity to make your significant other feel special and loved.  It's talking to them...telling them everything that's in your heart and knowing they can do the same for you, even if it makes each other mad.  It's respecting each other's values, beliefs, desires, likes, and dislikes...yet knowing you can have your own without fear of them getting upset with you.  It's being there for each other when something terrible or exciting has happened.  It's letting each other have a shoulder to cry on and holding them when they feel like the world is falling down around them.  It's sharing inside jokes, laughter, and fun times.  It's always being there for them, no matter what, and loving them no matter how bad they mess up.  That's only a fraction of what being in a relationship takes and what being in love is.  I know this and guess what?  I'm 17.

Luckily I sit here and I think of Missy and Amanda.  I think of Missy telling me of how she met her husband at 17 and how they got married when she was almost 21.  Now they both have lovely jobs, a nice home, a beautiful dog, they are very comfortable, and she is pregnant with her first child.  Amanda has been with Ari for 3 years now and I'm confident they will last...because they are willing and absolutely happy to put the time and energy and love into their relationship.  It's not a matter of "compatability" or how "similar" or "different" you are...it's how much you have bonded and care for that person.  It's stopping and asking yourself, "in 20 years would I still want to be with this person?  Honestly?"  It's being honest, true, and open.  I don't know...my relationship with Garry has made me SO much more honest and open.  I'm not such a mystery anymore, if someone asks me how I am, I tell them.  If someone asks me what's wrong, I tell them.  I don't just say, "I'm tired".  I can talk on the phone with Garry for hours and hours, laughing for most of them.  I know Garry and I are not like the rest of the world.

I'm just frusterated is all.  Mom's not confident in us either, but to be perfectly honest, I don't care what mom says anymore.  She doesn't know me and I'm so tired of her assuming she does.  I'm sick of her assuming she knows what's best for me.  I know what's best for me.  I know what I like, what I dislike, what I want.  If I make a mistake than fine, it's my mistake.  I made it, I will suffer.  If my likes, beliefs, or desires change than let them change.  But right now I know what I want and what I don't want...I know what will make me feel alive and happy and what makes me feel dead and depressed.  Mom doesn't know this...she doesn't know my heart.  Nobody does but me.  So whatever.  People can tell me I'm just infatuated, that I'm just stupid and naive, that I don't know anything and I don't know what I'm talking about.  I don't care.  They don't know me and if people don't want to stop and listen to me, than fine.

Okay, I guess I'm done ranting.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

2/23/08 01:51 pm - Life?

Erik l'ange,

We had a snow day yesterday...a big storm came through and dumped snow and ice on us.  It was calm for most of the day but when mom and I headed out to go see the play it started to snow...a lot.  So, we turned back and went home at which point I spent about a half hour talking to Garry on the phone, playing the sims 2 for 4 hours trying to kill time until Garry got home from school, then I spent a little more time on the phone with him until he went to bed as did I..around 2:30 am.

Today I woke up...and decided to watch this 2 hour documentary on 9/11.  It's always so powerful to watch...I have no clue why I have this strange fascination with the sad, depressing, and twisted.  I don't enjoy watching it...I sit there and almost cry.  But I don't know...it's so strange.  I'm drawn to these horrible, insanely sick things...I really don't know why and I really hope this isn't making me sound like some sick, twisted, messed up person.  I don't know...maybe I enjoy being sad like people enjoy being scared?  Maybe I'm just wrong like that.  And it's so much easier for me to watch these things and tell myself that it's just on TV..it's not real and it didn't happen.  I know it did...it's just easy for me to tell myself it didn't...like it's just a very sad movie.  I don't know.

I'm going with Em today...a girl's night out and then we're going to eat at Steve's house.  I'm kinda not looking forward to the Steve's house part...Steve's a friend of mine, I don't doubt it.  He's my sunday school teacher and one of the very first people I met when we got here.  But other people are going to be there and I'm sure they'll make hamburgers or something I hate so I'll starve :-P

I'm just kinda...annoyed with people today.  I'm not restless or RAAAAAAA...but just kinda...annoyed.

Until next time, I bid you goodbye,

-Kathryn

2/20/08 08:06 pm - Handwritten Post!

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